Disclaimer – This entry does not intend to offend or criticize any entity/religion, nor is it intended to hurt any ones belief and feelings in any way.
It was one of those weekends when I hardly get about one good minute for my own self. I had been out straight since Friday night, and when I got home on Saturday evening, I had a friend calling from the parlor, saying the ladies are already there and waiting. I rushed.So there was this Muslim girl and her mother waiting. I sat with both my palms stretched out, thinking mother and daughter would be painting henna on my palms. Turns out, only the girl was going to do this. Her mother was there to merely escort her!
At any given point in time, I have a hundred things to daydream of. AT LEAST. So as this long, arduous task of keeping my hands stretched out continued, I dreamed a lot, about my kids, their kids, n then everything that I wanted to do n blah blah. After about an hour when I had touched the tip of almost every desire that I ever had, I looked into my palms - and WHAT!??!! We were not even done with one side of one hand! The mehendi was beautiful though. I had run out of things to daydream off, so I found myself (quite annoyingly) staring at the girl sitting next to me, totally engrossed in painting my hands. She hadn’t spoken a word! How could she not have said anything yet? I stared at her burkha, and was tempted to ask her how she could bear the heat.
Anyways, just to strike a conversation I asked her how long she had been doing this, and all that crappy stuff. I knew what I wanted to ask. I just turned to take a peek at her mother, she was mumbling away to herself, so I grabbed the chance to ask her – ‘Apne kya padha hai? Aap naukri nahi karna chahte?’ (What have you studied? Don’t you want to work full time?) She told me she has done her graduation, and many computer courses, but her brothers wouldn’t allow her to work. I uttered something through my clenched teeth and said ‘Apke bhai aapko yeh kaam karne dete hain, par office nahin jaane dete?’ And quickly she replied – ‘Unko pata nahi’. Just to pursue her interest, leave alone career, she had to have the permission of her brothers, when she herself was probably as old as I am. I was appalled! Comparing her with me, I was feeling helplessly pitiful for her, that she has not even the right to make her own decisions. Would she ever step out and see what the world is like, without her mother accompanying her? I know this is probably very small to you, when you read it, but I couldn’t imagine being caged like that, with my brothers telling me what to do. I wanted to say a lot of things… but I just didn’t!
I don’t know when our country will rise beyond all this!
16 comments:
:) Nice blog. Finally some insightful thinking from Gagan... but we all do know that she is a socially conscious and sensitive person (not sensitive to some blind men though * wink wink*)
Hmmm.... [sigh]
Let's take another angle... say looking closer we find - that girl's family lives in a place full of rowdy elements.... and her brothers feel unsecure about her working uncared-for... or may be feeling not that influential to take up the world, if sth happens to her... who doesn't hear such news on a daily basis.
This is a hypothesis I knw, I made up based on fact that they allowed her to study but do not allow to take up a job. In that way, they must be having a sense of content "caging" her for best security they can provide to her!
Not that I am trying to justify/support those brothers by a hypo- theory...but yaa my point is that the actual issue run deeper... it's about Gender Insecurity. We are slowely shifting from a patriarchial to a more secure and gender-neutral society.... but the pace is slow enough (it's still more in aggresive ideas... NEW INDIA campaigns...than on actual plane) to be visible enough for ppl to belive in it.
But hope few years down the lane, we would see more free India! I genuinely believe God should have equated women more on physical power and men on emotional quotient..... :) WHOOOOOOOA I WROTE A BLOG.... NOT A COMMENT
PS:
Philipsophically speaking....
Society is a collective body... ppl pick up (or make you pick) the best routes taken by Others in it, when they are unsure of themselves. (not a universal rule). Ppl fear to venture beyond their known world on a general basis. And they say, "see others took it and are happy" and so shud u be. This way they would never know, if more happiness, more success ever exists!
Hmm... I know it sounds weird, and difficult to understand for ppl from backgrounds like u and me, but its not always that conservative nature of ppl don't allow girls to work.. It might be the circumstances under which they have grown up too.. Some people are way too possessive about their daughters.. For ex, I've known a classmate who used to not get out of house to play when we are in school coz someone had got kidnapped just opposite their house while playing in a park, and her parents were paranoid. And, she was not even cribbing about it. So, whats the big deal? No one was unhappy, and she probably even had alternative plans to play. Maybe the girl you met also didn't really crib about not having the opportunity to work in a huge building. Maybe her parents are way too possessive about her and she understands that. Maybe she doesn' t mind.
Understanding circumstances can sometimes cause a paradigm shift in our thinking. And as I've seen it, its not about being "conservative" all the time, but also about how safe our society is, for girls.
[Phew! Thats a huge comment, isn't it? ]
I agree that the background and the environment/circumstance one has grown up in, makes a lot of difference to the way we even look at things.
These girls probably don't mind NOT doing something because they have never done it! There is no real choice there. If I was sitting at home, and NOT doing anything, it would be by MY choice, and thats alright. Not because someone else decided that for me (even if I don't mind). In a circumstance like this, there is no TRUE freedom. And also no recognition of oneself. If you do not try things with yourself, you don't know who you are.
And specifically here, this girl was pursuing her interest without the knowledge of her folks. Which goes to show, that even if her parents do not want her to venture out, she does! And thats perfectly human.
Our society may not be safe for girls, but let her decide what is safe for her and what is not, is the only point of my argument.
Children ! Stop fighting...!!
@Abhinav
What do you know about constructive debating. you CARTOON !
[killproof_achilled] This, comments not the blog, reminds me of a famous sociology debate. If we assume that girls get raped if they walk around naked but are perfectly safe otherwise, would you say that is a good society. For me, its NOT. Irrespective of what the girl does, she has a right to do it. That itself should be agnostic of the society. That is the way I see a good society as. Anarchy with common understanding is my idea of a nice social setup. So, I beg to differ on some of your statements.
[preethi] I know what you mean. But that still doesn't justify caging someone. It is easy for me, who doesn't know first hand what it feels like to loose a child, to judge someone. But may be, over reacting doesn't help anyone. Don't you think so?
[Gagan] 2 things: Define TRUE freedom and I agree, let the girl learn what is right and what is wrong. Generally, you need to let children learn somethings by experience. Otherwise they end up being very dogmatic. Which doesn't help anyone
@Pavan
Of course over-reacting is no solution. In fact, it causes more serious problems in most of the cases. I did not mean to say that the parents are right in caging their children. I meant, if the parents think they are right, and can ALSO successfully convince their kids to believe what they think is right for them without hurting their sentiments, whats the problem? I know most of the kids won't be soooo matured to understand these delicate things, but then, IF they can accept that their parents do whatever is good for them, then where is the issue? It might sound wrong to us, but then, it just becomes more like a belief that they grow up with, right?
( I meant this in a general sense, not about this girl mentioned )
Touching blog... I read through the comments as well.
Although I tend to agree with certain things in the comments, I see that none of the commentators have pointed to what I think is one of the main cause of why women don’t get a fair deal – Male Chauvinism. Irrespective of the religion, social background etc it is usually male chauvinism at work in the garb of religion (most of the times).
Everyone is inside some cage or the other! You are in a cage of the society that lays down that you behave in a certain acceptable way. She is in a smaller cage laid down by her family.
So, unless you are some Paris Hilton, who doesn't seem to be in any cage, I don't see any point in indulging in armchair gospel(ing).
I feel, unless someone is being tortured/killed to keep them in a cage, it's all good. We can't do much about it. Not even get onto the streets with placards. So chill!
A little perspective never hurt anyone, right? :)
good write..n a touching context..dunno how to react...just expressing anger with inaction in itself is hypocrisy...hoping for a natural change is hopelessly optimistic...:(
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I can empathise with you.But think about people who do not have even the basic stuff like food/clothes and shelter.Compared to them the girl in question is better placed.A woman born and brought up in the west may think about indian women the same way u think of this girl.They might think "see this poor girl/guy.She/he has to live with her/his parents even after beginning to work.No independence at all".But we know that we are happy doing what we are doing and what values drives our actions.I am sure we also make some compromises along the line.Similarly the girl might be happy obeying her brother's wishes.It might be a compromise.Its one's perspective which makes all the difference!!
I remember one interesting quote.Forgot whose though.
"All children are born equal.Its just that some are born more equal than the other"
So life is not a race where everyone keeps running towards a target line, that we decide that as someone starts from behind he/she loses.Everyone starts with different handicaps and everyone has a different finish line.So we need not pity someone who starts wee bit behind :-)..afterall its her own choice to be constrainted by her family's wishes.Maybe a hobson's choice though But she chose it...:-)
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